Ugh…Feelings

My friend stayed the night. I honestly felt like I may have been ignored a little. She came over to scarification, which is basically a scar tattoo for him. Both me and her have had issues with self harm, and it was hard for me to watch it be done, bc I’ve been struggling with lately. It wasn’t something I wanted part of. He felt he was wasting her time bc of us joking about our shared problem. It’s easier for me to joke about it. To turn something morbid and disgusting about myself into a joke, so it doesn’t feel as painful when brought up.
And the being ignored part. Really hurt. But I had feeling that I need to ask for attention, because then I feel like I’m being insensitive and selfish. It was just little things that made me feel like I was being needy.
We went to sheetz, and he was just being loud and swearing a lot. Kind of like he was hyped up. Which I guess makes sense since he was excited for his scarification. But am I wrong to say that I felt like I was the third wheel?
Yeah, he normally does walk a head of me instead of holding my hand any more. Though I’ve never seen couples holding hands after the first few months. Normal? Maybe. But I like holding hands though. Even if it’s stupid to do anymore. My friend did slow down to walk with me. But is it over thinking that he didn’t slow down me. He did so he was along side us to keep talking to her.
Let the door shut in my face. Even after it being years after living in the south, I still keep forgetting that it’s not a big deal up here in the north.
So I’m torn between feeling hurt, and feeling like its all just jealous thinking bc of what’s been going on with my friend and my cousin and her boyfriend.  My friend did call him out letting the door shut shut in my face.
I flat out asked her if she thought he was showing off on our way to sheetz once we got there. She didn’t really say yes or no. I thought he was in a really good mood. I felt almost ashamed that I couldn’t make him happy like that. Should I have done my make up? Should I have put more effort into my outfit, or my hair? Am I … Being annoying and coming off as nagging and bitchy bc I’m afraid to hear what he’s going to say. I know I should. Weather I want to or not. This is when I miss my mom the most. To just sit down and drink coffee in the early morning with her and just hash out all our problems together. She would make me feel better even if I felt like everything falling to pieces like now.
I also know there’s a good chance that I’m over thinking everything bc I’m scared that he’s going to get bored with me. But that’s what it feels like. My mom has showed me that even if things hit a rough patch in your relationship you don’t just end it. That’s when you want push harder bc once you get past it, everything will be better and you’ll know how to deal with better as a couple.
There’s things that we use to do that we don’t anymore. I feel like all he’s interested in is sex at midnight. But then I know it has to have some comfort to him. But it doesn’t to me. It’s like… It’s like cheesecake. It’s rich and sweet and satisfies that aching sweet tooth in a few bites. But it’s easy to over indulge in it if you don’t slow down to enjoy it in small bites.
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